Breastfeeding in the Military: Operation Liquid Gold

I am a 15 year service member in the United States Air Force. As someone who identifies as a cisgender female and also a military veteran, I have found certain aspects of my career more challenging than others.  One such area, is the topic of pumping at work (human milk).  No matter where you stand on this politically hot button topic, yes political (hang on...if you haven't had the pleasure yet, you're about to) I endeavor to share what my own personal experience was like.  Why? As a leader, we are bound to support, protect and empower our subordinates.  As a dear friend and fellow Airman reminded me recently, the Air Force needs you to be a good officer first.  

A few principles that I value as an officer include; never asking someone to do something I wouldn't be willing to endure myself, understanding that when your subordinates stop bringing you their problems it is because they have lost faith in your ability to help them or they have concluded you don't care and either case is a failure of leadership (Colin Powell), and adopting a servant-leader mindset.  Furthermore, I fully support the moral and ethical responsibility to uphold and enforce the DOD workspace directives of dignity and respect, free of harassment and discrimination of any kind.  The beauty of these policies is that they sound wonderful.  However, bringing forth a complaint is a whole different matter, one I have an intimate knowledge of.  And I am not alone. If the Air Force had social workers I think I would be one. Instead, as an officer I have developed an extensive knowledge of human resources covering a variety of social and economic issues to best lead in whatever situation I find myself in. 

So, in the spirit of supporting fellow Airmen and keeping this conversation going, I would like to share my personal experience.  I use a lot of candor, that is just me.  It isn't for everybody, but its a coping mechanism. I don't blame the military or any individual. I take full responsibility for my beliefs and opinions and these are entirely mine alone. I do think that dialogue that is uncomfortable is needed to open hearts and minds.  It is my hope, that we begin to understand breastfeeding and lactation as a readiness issue and one that needs support at all levels.  If you are in a position to lead, support or advocate for an Airman or military spouse, I hope that you do.  If you don't know where to start, maybe this can offer some insight.  My anecdote is a plea to please ask the hard questions and get your hands dirty.  In doing so, it may take multiple tries, it may not make a policy change at the highest level, but it may make a lifechanging difference for for someone else.  Is there a better reason to serve?

In 2015 I gave birth to my first daughter and chose to breastfeed.  Fact, it was extremely hard for me.  My daughter had colic, I had adequate but just enough supply, and battled repeated thrush infections. I joined the local chapter of La Leche League, saw an IBCLC, had my child evaluated by an ENT for lip and tongue ties, and we were working closely with her pediatrician, my midwife and a community nurse to ensure she was gaining enough weight, the stress of this consumed me and as a result I developed a postpartum mood disorder that went unchecked for the better part of a year.

Since Section 706 of the NDAA for FY2015 was updated, Tricare had recently expanded its medical device coverage to include breast pumps. This was deemed a huge success, however in reality for anyone going through the painstakingly slow policy changes, it was a botched deployment and it took several years before the guidelines were published, understood and actually enforced. I remember quoting Tricare policy verbiage to Tricare customer service representatives who claimed that no such policy existed...on multiple occasions.  Fortunately, I was able to procure a breast pump through my hospital directly, meaning I only had to pay out of pocket for one pump for my use at work. 

Why did I need two pumps?  For anyone who hasn't pumped, hear me now.  Pumping is an Olympic sport. It is a lifestyle.  You live by the clock and let-downs. You must I mean must hydrate like an elephant and keep your calories up.   Every mom's anatomy is different, some may struggle with supply while others fend off engorgement. There are annals of texts and resources dedicated to the resurrection of this feminine art that has dwindled with participation since the post war era.  It is well documented that the decline in breastfeeding is attributed to the difficulty of combining breastfeeding with maternal employment among other factors.  The fact is, it has an immense learning curve, it comes easily to some, while others fight to the bitter end like I did. It takes coaching and support. Some women chose to pump purely for the nutritional value while others pump because it lets them maintain their supply so they may continue to nurse their infant.  I'll never forget the story I heard from a fellow officer who shared that she pumped "in secret, in the bathroom, and dumped her milk" in the hopes that when she returned from her deployment, that her baby "might still want me".  To her dismay, the prolonged separation resulted in premature weaning.  And yes, premature weaning is at the mother's discretion, not up to the service policy guidelines to specify.  She was in tears retelling this experience from a decade ago.  This had left a scar on her heart.  I ached for her.  She had given up something precious, that much was clear. I was intent to continue breastfeeding my child for her first year, so this meant I would need to pump at work.  

I was armed with my determination, a quality double electric pump, and pumping bras that I bought myself.  Note, to this present day, insurance does not cover a bra so that you can actually have use of your arms while you pump.  That's right, they expect you to hold each flange directly onto your breast for the duration of a pumping session.  30 minutes, every 3 hours.  Thanks.  Thanks for making the absolutely ridiculous argument that a "pumping bra" is not a necessary component of the pumping arsenal.  Of note, a friend and fellow service member admitted to me that she never purchased bras, and used the "hand's on method", contributing to her vile disdain for pumping.  Motherhood is the only act that produces an impulse to do something you fiercely dislike for the welfare of your child.  That is pumping for many moms. What else might a successful pumping arsenal include?  How about the care and guidance of a supportive and professionally training lactation counselor that you can see when you actually need one, not a week or two weeks from now, but NOW.  Other necessities include a balm or ointment to prevent chaffing, compression injury and pain.  Supplements and vitamins to promote milk production.  Heating pads and cooling packs to assist in let down or engorgement. A cooler to transport the milk in. And of course the obligatory pump parts (tubing, locking rings, bottles, connectors, valves, membranes, milk bags), and the most important...power adaptor.  Now grab all that stuff, every single day, don't forget anything (you are sleeping about 4 hours a night so that shouldn't be a problem to remember) and time hack! All I needed was a space to pump.

When I returned to work, I was fortunate to have a private office.  I will say here and now, that in my opinion this is the easiest win-win solution to pumping at work.  Why? It is the most comfortable for the mom in most cases, and it doesn't create a precedent.  Let's remember that finding a communal space opens the largest can of worms in any organization.  And the top 1,000 things employees would like to use a newly designated communal space for does NOT include a space for lactation, shocking.  So what ends up happening is depending on the culture, leadership, resources and variables well outside of the control of the mother, the effort to designate a space becomes a herculean task. Enter office politics.  I would like to add, that this issue of compliance to federal law is usually not addressed until AFTER the mother returns to the workplace. Meaning she is forced to use temporary spaces or a bathroom on a frequent and interim basis.  I remember being told that the locker room space inside of the women's restroom facility was a good enough space, in fact it was "the only" space.  Question, would you like to sit on the floor and listen to flushing and bodily noises while eating your lunch? How about while working? How about...ever? It not, then please don't assume this is a viable solution.  It isn't. 

For anyone still reading...you might be questioning this whole pumping thing.  Why would anyone do it? Seems easier to just give formula, food is food right? Well, that is a deeply personal choice for each mother. One that each one has to make and only she knows best.  I argue, that in the right supportive environment, more women can meet their breastfeeding goals.  How this delicate issue is ushered depends greatly on the attitudes and culture of the mother's workplace. As it happens, I soon lost my cozy office.  I found myself dragging my pump with me to use at the simulator training building, the gym, the ground control station for missions, and my car so I could squeeze in session between training and work.  I am reminded of a conversation with my then coworker who explained, "we can't justify creating a space just for one person to use when we have such a lack of resources and space in the unit." There were easily identifiable unused spaces...full of neglected office furniture, old pool tables and TVs, and junk.  I could see that I was going to have to take up a cause if I wanted to advocate for a space. I decided to contact the logistics squadron on base and arrange for a pallet pick up.  Since they didn't provide the pallets I spent my spare time driving around looking for free pallets and making calls around town.  Once I had the pallets I was given "Free man power" by a bunch of Airmen who had committed a massive cheating scheme on base.  This was a part of their punishment.  We hauled away thousands of pounds of crap and logistics disposed of it for us.  I had successfully cleared the remaining half of the junk in our squadron that no one had seen fit to tend to, all while being told we were space limited.    Keep in mind, there was no official Air Force Policy about breastfeeding in the workplace being mandatory at this time (that didn't drop until 2020). So I was doing all of these projects in the hopes of solving things at the lowest level. What is better than free?  Meanwhile, an enlisted Airmen from another section who also worked in our building but under a different unit was told to get in touch with me for a place to pump.  I guess they assumed I was all squared away, with my emboldened sense of leadership over a fellow pumping mom I did what any good officer would do, I drafted up a series of COAs (course of action) and outlined the options for my Commander.  I called my little mission, "Operation Liquid Gold".  It should have been called Operation Little Bighorn.

Admittedly, I am an idealist.  If I was queen for a day, every government building, hospital, airport, school and grocery store would have parking for families with kids in the front, changing stations in all restrooms to include copious family restrooms that are stroller accessible/have lowered sinks for kids (thank you Ikea) and child sized potties, onsight child care drop off (ikea double win) and a lactation suite fully stocked with massage chairs and oatmeal cookies. I guess I am moving into an Ikea. I realize that is a fantasy.  However, I wasn't expecting to be attacked.  I was told, it isn't our responsibility to tackle this problem for an Airmen outside of our unit. Hmmmmm..... I thought if I went to the enlisted Superintendent (a woman) I might stand a chance of getting some traction.  Instead, I was accused of strong-arming her into a project that she deemed an unnecessary agenda.   To add further insult to injury, another non commissioned officer accosted me with threats and insinuations, stating she had to pump in a latrine "back in the day" so that should be good enough for me.  I was also accused of taking advantage of my pumping breaks and asked to account for my time, as there had allegedly been complaints from other squadron members.  I was assigned as a remotely piloted aircraft pilot, and was flying combat support lines from a ground control station.  It was customary practice at that time to have another crewmember give you a restroom break or "lunch break" to heat up some food as we spent 8 hour shifts in a metal conex at 55F.  Since I needed breaks to pee, eat and also for lactation, I arranged this with my coworkers on a case by case basis.  That's right, every single mission I had the pleasure of explaining to them that I was going to need a break to pump.  My 90% young, male, fatherless coworkers.  I wasn't shy about it.  I couldn't afford to be if I wanted to stick to my pumping schedule.  My pumping success was therefore contingent on the mutual support, understanding, and respect of my coworkers...and that was again not a mandated policy in 2015.

I was strident in my resolve.  I new that pumping was my right and I wasn't going to let somebody's ignorance, or a lack of policy stop me.  So I persevered.  But I did struggle mentally.  I reached out to a first sergeant in another squadron.  She is the person that changed my life.  Another mother, an advocate, and a fiercely compassionate human, she did for me what I couldn't do for myself. She got me through one of the hardest moments in my personal life as I battled what felt like a cascade of torment from my coworkers and leadership.  At work I felt harassed and singled out,  I pleaded in anonymous forums for advice and was told to make an IG complaint or talk to the Equal Opportunity office-neither of which has purvues for breastfeeding because again it wasn't an official policy in 2015.  As a trained Sexual Assault Victim Advocate I knew how paralyzing the resporting system in the military can be, even for survivors of an abusive act.  How would my menial request compare?  For anyone with any firsthand knowledge of these avenues...let me just say, no pumping mom who is struggling with work stress and the challenges of sleepless nights as a new parent is going to have the resolve to endure a formal complaint program that takes months and has many opportunities or retaliation.  These channels are renown for their retribution.  And also, these programs essentially represent you poking your chain of command in the eye, as your first line of defense should always be the chain.  Mine had already made it clear that I was not supported.  With an assignment and competitive school board in the balance, I decided to "shut up and color" as the exact person who could influence these results would also be  investigated if I brought a formal complaint forward.  Not a chance I was willing to take.  Also, I didn't want to accuse anyone of anything.  Again, this was a very personal decision for me, that I weighed after many other challenges after three years in the unit.  Was I willing to tackle all of this, after months of struggling to hang on to my mental health and a dwindling milk supply? Nope.  Instead, I decided to put my time and energy into counseling, and through a supportive environment and the help of a first sergeant outside of my chain, I met my breastfeeding goals.  

Most of this was lived in silence, my husband obviously knew, my guardian angel first sergeant knew and my counselor.  I was shell shocked from this experience.  I didn't realize how political and threatening breastfeeding and pumping actually were.  At this time, there were scandalous photo ops of women service member's breastfeeding in uniform, and the internet was exploding with haters accusing moms of "discrediting the uniform" for nursing in public.  Women were criticized for showing their belly while nursing, since in order to nurse while wearing a t-shirt you have to lift your entire shirt over your breast creating an uncomfortable fold of fabric and exposing your belly.  Since this risque scandal, the service has now "approved" a modified nursing t-shirt, it's better than nothing, but I never had the courage to try nursing in uniform in public.  I didn't think I would survive. It was hard enough to nurse in public out of uniform.  My daughter turned one the exact week we left for our new duty station.  I gave up pumping, slowly weaned her, and I started the next chapter of my career in a new squadron with no pump in sight!  I felt great!  And later that year, I was pregnant with our second child. 

When I returned to work after the birth of my second child, I was much more resilient, armed with the battle wounds of my first experience I was resolved not to make waves and do my best but not push myself so hard.  Luckily, there were two other nursing mothers of my same rank in the unit, and we formed this amazing trio of girl power that supported one another in many aspects of our personal and professional lives.  Things were already off to a much better start.  However, the same problems slowly bubbled to the surface.  Lack of space, constant bidding over new spaces...a space would be found like a closet or spare office, and then once it was cleaned out and organized and made fit for human presence all of a sudden other vultures would come to the party claiming birth rights of the long forgotten locale.  So we were kicked out of our pumping space 3 times before I eventually quit.  My last pumping closet was in the back of a communal office bay of open desks.  That meant that every time I needed to pump, I had to walk into the room of 5-10 people and b-line for the closet.  I would avoid eye contact and pray no one struck up small talk or tried to line of sight task me for some busy work while I was on my carefully budgeted pumping break (lesson learned last time).  I was rarely successful, enduring jabs and jokes from coworkers and their little puns and staring...yes staring as I would try to mind my own business.  Much like when you are headed to the restroom, this is not the time to strike up a mundane conversation or stop someone for your personal benefit.  Let them be.  I was told by one particular brand of narcissistic garbage that, "you can say hi to us, we know what you are in here to do".  Gross. That's gross and weird. Don't be the gross weird guy.  They played fun little pranks like locking the closet and sending me on a wild goose chase for the key.  I also enjoyed watching them use it to nonchalantly change into their gym clothes...because that's what it's there for.  The last straw was when I returned from holiday break and there were dead rats on a  glue trap.  The building had an infestation problem, and also had to be flea bombed. Nope.  I was done.  I had pumped for 9 months and that was good enough.  I reported the incident to my Commander, to include several COAs (again) for potential options, a lactation pod and even a family friendly viewing room at the back of our auditorium to allow for families with young children to attend student graduations.  I had coordinated over 25 graduations for the squadron in my time and noticed how many spouses would excuse themselves to tend to the needs of their young children and how we had a ripe opportunity to be ahead of a clear need to support a more inclusive environment.  In the end, I successfully rallied for two changing stations, as I was told costs were prohibitive and we couldn't afford all four so that each male and female bathroom would have one.  Of note, they cost a few hundred dollars a piece.  Pennies.  The final project for a permanent room wasn't complete until a year after I left the squadron.  Better late than never? I am curious to know if it has been usurped by some cleaning supplies or fallen into disarray. 

Fast forwarding to my third and final pumping experience, I am happy to report that the technological advances in pumping have come a long way!  I used the wearable Willow pump and it was a total game changer!  It fit discretely under my uniform blouse, and it allowed me to work from my desk, hands free and continue about my duties undetected.  I could use it while driving, and only needed to pop into the restroom to remove it.  It was hands down the best of both worlds for a pumping mom, in my case anyway.  The only downside is that the pump is $1,000 when combined with accessories and the expensive single use bags.  I would highly encourage any pumping mom to consider this option, invest in your sanity, you deserve it.  Motherhood is hard as hell.  

My children are now 6, 4 and 21 months.  I have been nursing free for 9 months and I finally have the strength to tell this story.  It is a part of my military service.  I know that it may seem like a "personal choice" on the surface.  But to me, it was so much more.  It changed my view of leadership and integrity.  It influenced my advocacy for women's health especially in regards to readiness and military health care (stay tuned for future blog posts elaborating on these topics).  And it altered my faith and resilience in inexplicable ways.  It has shaped my style of leadership and shown me where I stood to improve in many areas to include taking better care of myself.  I now embrace counseling as a regular aspect of my wellbeing.  I accept that mothering and working and serving is really challenging, and to give myself grace.  I may not be nursing and pumping anymore, but I can offer support to those who are just starting their own journey.  I like the sound of that very much. It led me here, to Par Avion Doula, a place where I carry the tears, fierceness and reminders of all of the women who poured into me during my trials and who still do.  So that I can carry that torch for another.  You go momma!